Rat Rant – “Sphere” (1998)

A Rat Rant on Sphere (1998)

Horror/Sci-Fi {a horror that it was ever made, and fiction that anyone connected with this film knows beans about science!}

So I’m watching a Sci-Fi horror flick last night which is pretty decent and it got me thinking back to absolute atrocities in the genre. And ringing loudly in my ears was “Sphere”, “Sphere”… How could I ever forget that massive injustice foisted off on an unsuspecting public. This film is proof that you can’t believe everything you read on the IMDB.

Where to begin? The worst part is the characters. They are all supposed to be supra-geniuses and prodigies that got their college degrees in their teens and doctorates before they were 20. AND YET every single one of them acts like they have an IQ of 90 and never took a science class a day in their lives. Classic example: In the initial briefing they are discussing the spaceship which is found on the ocean floor. It’s covered over by coral which the military boss {Peter Coyote} relates is approximately a certain number of feet deep and that coral grows at approximately some rate per year. So scientist bimbo/neurotic pipes up that the ship has been there for more than some number of years? And scientist I-am-Spock chimes in that it has been there some number of years and some months to be exact.

EXACT?? Hello… even a first year science student knows that given two numbers which both have an error factor and then performing an mathematical operation on them you still have a number with an uncertainty factor! You CANNOT arrive at an exact number. As bad as that is this bunch of lunkheads only get worse. They leap to ridiculous conclusions {which no evidence supports but which is necessary to advance the “plot”}, and they bumble their way along behaving as if they were all in need of years of therapy from all the emotional baggage they carry with them.

I could go on ripping the rest of this flick to shreds including a key logical error which causes the entire second half of the movie to fall apart but what for? The utter unbelievability of the characters made it impossible to enjoy the film or be in any way empathetic with the characters as they face their eventual demises. Heck if it had been an interactive movie I would have killed them all after the briefing and just watched the seaweed floating in the ocean currents for the next hour and a half.

So there is no need for in-depth analysis here folks, the SS Rat says avoid this stinker like the second coming of the black death!

 

Rat Rant – “Phantasm” (1979)

A Rat Rant on Phantasm (1979)

Horror – {with awesomely spooky theme and sound effects}

This is it horror fans, proof that you can make a great horror film without needing to increase the national debt by another decimal place. Low budget ruled and this film is all about atmosphere. As I already noted here and elsewhere in this forum, the music sets the theme throughout the film aided by the story which isn’t one of those “here’s whats happening and here’s why” kind of things. Instead it’s a series of puzzles and strange events that draws the viewer deeper into it’s web along with the heroes as they unravel what really is the sinister secret of Morningside Cemetery.

There are shades of the past intertwined with the future and several twists which leave the viewer to differentiate between what is real and what the characters are imagining. The striking character of the “tall man” is played to perfection by Angus Scrimm {who was essentially the only real “name” actor in the film}. His sinister presence along with the famous “ball” are now icons of horror familiar to even those who haven’t seen the flick. The ball itself serves as an instrument of both terror and death.

Throw in a 1971 black hemi ‘cuda and as a younger lad I was in absolute heaven watching this film. Watch it alone or with someone you care about {so you can huddle close} in a dark room at night with the lights out for maximum effect. There aren’t many horror movies which can actually put a scare into the SS Rat but “Phantasm” certainly makes the hairs on the back of his neck stand up.

A great night of thrills, the SS Rat enthusiastically says “check this one out”!

 

Rat Rant – “Real Men” (1987)

A Rat Rant on Real Men (1987)

Comedy – {funnier still the SS Rat way}

Ok so I was watching this movie the other night getting an occasional chuckle and I remembered back to when I first saw this flick. Sure it’s one of thousands of basically mindless comedies out there but I have a soft spot in my heart for it because of how I first saw it. Here’s what you do, skip ahead {don’t FF or fast scan} and actually start watching the movie at the 10:25. I know, I know you’re all saying SSRat are you nuts or what? I’ll miss the first 10 1/2 minutes of the film that way!

Yes you will but here’s a better way to look at it, treat the first 10 1/2 minutes as a badly placed spoiler. The movie plays much better without them the first time because it allows the viewer to join the protagonist wimp {John Ritter} on his Alice-like journey into wonderland. We’re constantly wondering what’s really going on and if the protagonist hero {Jim Belushi} is insane or not. It takes a fair amount of time for the truth to really reveal itself and the real fun in this movie is in taking that ride. Watching the movie from beginning to end it’s at best a marginal comedy, but with the cut method it gains something unique which makes you follow the movie through to the end. Note for b-movie and exploitation fans, don’t forget to be on the lookout for a bit part by Dyanne Thorne!

So in the end the SS Rat says if you want to watch from beginning to end it’s an allright film, but watch it the SS Rat way and it’s a “check it out” film!!

 

The triumph of those purple guys!

So here we go again, the big guy is jumping around the house like an idiot today. Something to do with the football games he was watching today. Seems those guys in purple won again and the way he’s acting you’d think he was there helping them out! I just don’t get it, if he had any real loyalty to his best friend {me} he’d be cheering for the other team, at least they had something that looked like a cat on their hats! I guess I shouldn’t complain too much after all when the purple guys win he’s much nicer to be around, so I’ll have another week of relative peace and calm. He’s so happy I expect him to share some more rants in the coming days.

Cheers all from your furry pal Fluffy

 

Rat Rant – “Shoot ‘em Up” (2007)

A Rat Rant on Shoot ‘em Up (2007)

Action – {more of it than you can shake a stick at!}

Well true believers just watched this flick last night and what can I say but wow! That’s both good and bad, the filmmakers obviously don’t even have a passing knowledge of the laws of physics or the limits to the amounts of punishment the human body can survive. But if you can look past the nonsense of the almost laughable plot and the use of carrots to kill people {yes folks I did say carrots – our hero is a very health conscious guy}.

The dialogue/banter between our hero {ably handled by Clive Owen} and the main villain {played very well by Paul Giamatti} comes off as quite natural, exactly what you would expect two people with near-sociopathic tendencies would talk like in the heat of battle. And you have to admire a villaan who keeps checking in with his wife and is trying to pick out a birthday card for his son just before he sends a small army to kill our hero.

No to be forgotten is the beautiful Monica Bellucci {looking VERY fine thank-you} who gets the proverbial “hooker with a heart” role and a extra twist to her abilities which prove instrumental in bringing her into the action. So if you like mayhem in your movies and want to see possibly one of the wildest lovemaking sessions in the middle of a firefight this is your movie.

Though some might sniff that the SS Rat is a highbrow film guy only, don’t fear true believer, the SS Rat sez check this one out!

 

Hello humans!

So this is what the world looks like through one of these things. I suppose the first thing I should do is introduce myself. My fur is short and patterned as one would expect for a creature such as myself in the image of the mightiest of all cats, the tiger. Oh did I catch you by surprise? Yes I am a cat and I am here to present an alternate view of the world at large to all you humans out there who think you’ve got a perfect understanding of everything around you. And to answer your next question, yes I share my home with a human and if he behaves himself and you folks ask nicely I may allow him to participate here sometimes as well. I’m just starting to get the blog up and running so it will take a few days I would expect to start to get things settled. First off the banner has to be changed {all those cars in such a confined space makes me nervous}.

I do hope we will all become fast friends from your furry pal Fluffy